The Lgend of Zelduhhh: Lydia's Boogers
by Cherry-sama
Summary: Everything you can do wrong with a Legend of Zelda fanfic. Includes Lydia, Link, Navi, and the Plott. This totally isn't my first fanfic, but B NICE ANYWAYS PLZ!


**The Lgend of Zelduhhh: Lydia's Boogers**

The One, and Only chapter. (Thankfully.)

* * *

><p>AN: I realized that it's been a while since I've done a fanfic that doesn't have anything to do with Totally Messed/Totally Bizarre. So I decided to write this fanfic. I must say that Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs heavily inspired me to write this fic, with his list of pet peeves on his profile page. So, here is a fanfic, based on what he said on his profile. May I introduce the Lgend of Zelduhhh: Lydia's Boogers.

* * *

><p>Lydia ran through the Lost Woods, as her silky, smooth, pretty, perfect, really, truly, superly, duperly, awesome hair fluttered through the wind behind her. Her pink, purple, blue, green, yellow, orange, red, and pink dress waved around as she ran through the wood.<p>

Without any explanation, Lydia arrived in Kokiri Village. She tripped over a fence, bounced on the way down, and rolled out right in front of Link.

Since this was their first encounter, Lydia decided to be as formal as possible.

"Hi Link!"

"Hi Lydia!"

"Aren't there supposted to be commas there?"

"Aren't there supposed to be no 'T' in 'supposed'?"

"Ahh. Good point," Lydia nodded.

"Now I am going to mention your ever so strange entrance, even though most people would question that before making introductions," Link grinned.

"Oh…that…" Lydia blushed, "I'm so dang clumsy."

"But if you weren't clumsy, we never would have met!" Link exclaimed.

"Yeah!" Lydia smiled. "How fortunate and coincidentally convenient!"

Lydia and Link began to laugh for a reason neither the audience or the authoress knew. To avoid being clichéd, the authoress made Navi fly up to them, and thus halting their laughter.

"Hi there!" Navi exclaimed, "I don't believe weve met, and the fact that you already know Link's name without proper introductions is kinda weird, but I'm willing to put that aside to become your friend. I'm Navi—"

Lydia smacked Navi with her magical fishing rod.

"OH MAI DIN! NAVI, I H8 J00!" Lydia screamed.

Link's eyes watered.

"I think I'm in love," Link smiled, "Even though it's been pre-established in the games that I consider Navi to my best friend, and this meeting would break my heart under any other circumstance!"

Lydia shrugged, "This is a fanfic. Nobody cares. Besides, Navi has, like, no fandom to speak of."

Cherry-sama, who was hiding behind a bush, made a big sad face.

Lydia blinked, "Say, Link…who's that?"

Lydia pointed to a Kokiri boy standing right beside Link. They looked completely identical except for the fact that the other boy's eyes were rolled back into his head, his mouth hung open, and a worm was sticking out of his forehead.

"Oh him?" Link asked, "He's my twin brother. He's a zombie."

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" the Zombie Link moaned.

"Oh!" Lydia smiled, "Hi! My name's Lydia! And since you are not a canon character, you are allowed to have a proper introduction! What's your name?"

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" the Zombie groaned.

"His name is Billy Joe Bob Blink!" Link grinned, "But most of us call him Blink, since it is so close to my own name!"

"My! What a perfect way to create confusion!" Lydia grinned.

"Indeed!"

Lydia had the feeling that Link and her were going to be bestest friends forever and ever. Maybe even lovers if the writer was in the mood for romance.

"Link, doesn't it at all concern you that she hit me with a fishing rod?" Navi asked.

"Nope!"

Except Navi. She was going to hate Navi for as long as possible…mainly because most of the Ocarina of Time fans hated her.

"…Soooooo," Link said with more 'o's than necessary, "Ludia, I think it's about time for you to reveal your backstory!"

"Oh? Really? Already?" Lydia asked.

Lydia looked at her high-tech watch and she sighed.

"Oh… I suppose it is." Lydia said.

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_"

"Long long ago, in a galaxy far, far away…" Lydia began, "Ganondorf and the other Sith Lords used the (Tri)Force to create something magical, and everyone knew it was bad."

"Ooooo…" Link said blandly.

"So i deicides to take on the Sith Lords and Ganondorf and Duke Onkled and took matters into mai own hands and stole the mighty fishing rod!" Lydia continued.

Lydia took out her mighty fishing rod and showed off its magnificent glory to all in the Kokiri Village. Instead of giving an actual description of what the magical, stupendous, superb, stupefy, jealousy-evoking rod looked like, the writer used a whole bunch of adjectives in hopes that the audience wouldn't notice.

Everyone who wasn't able to withstand all the awesome, swooned almost immediately. But Link, and Navi, and Blink, and Lydia didn't swoon because they were the authoress's favourites right now.

"Ooooo…" Link said blandly.

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" Blink added.

"And now, I will go on an epic retelling of Ocarina of Time with you, just so I can bore the audience once more!" Lydia finished.

Lydia pulled out her watch. With a couple pokes and prods, she was able to get it to make a prerecorded "ta-daaa" sound effect play.

"Ooooo…" Link clapped.

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" Blink gargled.

"Isn't anybody going to react to that out of place watch of hers?" Navi buzzed.

"And now…" Lydia sniffled, "I'm afraid that evil may try and stop my quest, hence I will need Link to join me, and protect me, and be my knight (in shining armour)."

"Ooooo…" Link drooled.

"But Link isn't even an actual knight!" Navi pointed out, "He's not even associated with Hyrule's Military forces! Wouldn't it be more logically sound for you to hire someone at Castle Town—"

"SHUT UP, NAVI!" Lydia snarled, "NOBODY LIEKS YOU!"

Lydia clung to Link's arm. Link rather liked this, despite the fact that she just yelled at his fairy, and he was too young to feel any sort of infatuation for anyone.

"Halt!" Vaati yelled, "You shall not pass."

The authoress forgot to mention that Vaati appeared in a poof of purple smoke a few seconds prior.

"Eep!" Lydia exclaimed, "I will take no active role in violence, since I am just an insert, and 'cause I'm a _wooooman_, so I will make Link do everything for me!"

"Spotlight hogging, for the win!" Link exclaimed.

"I am very evil in this fanfic," Vaati chuckled, "However, I am also very smexy. So, I may become a possible love interest for the main character in the future."

"Ahhh!" Lydia screamed, "Attack of the fanservice!"

"Dang straight I am," Vaati cackled.

Vaati flipped his hair in an overly described fashion. The female portion of the audience was turned on. The male portion of the audience cringed.

"Grr!" Link growled, "I shall not let you hurt—what was your name again?"

"Lydia."

"Right," Link nodded, "Anyway, I shall not let you hurt Linda!"

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" Blink joined in.

"Ha!" Vaati exclaimed, "You think you can defeat me? Me, the hottest ever villain ever introduced in the entire Legend of Zelda series? Don't make me laugh!"

"Hey, in case you haven't noticed," Navi piped up, "Link is the protagonist of the game this fanfic is based on. You, however, come from a different Legend of Zelda game entirely, and, therefore, have no hopes of defeating him."

"Ha!" Vaati laughed, "U no nothing!"

"YEAH, NAVI! SHUT UP!" Lydia snapped, "YOU N00B!"

"Are you just going to diss me every time I speak?" Navi sighed.

"DIE, ANNOYING FAERIE!" Lydia pulled out a pitchfork.

"…I'll assume that's a yes," Navi groaned.

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" Blink said.

"My!" Link exclaimed, "That's an excellent idea, Blink!"

Link opened up a laptop.

"Where did you get that?" Navi buzzed up and down.

"Hold on," Link said, "I'll answer that after I pull up 'My Immortal'."

Vaati turned pale, "Not the one with Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way!"

Link's evil little grin was just visible to the purple haired fanservice icon.

"Chapter one:" Link began.

"Ahh! No! Stop! Have mercy!" Vaati screamed, "Normally, I would never beg for mercy, but this is an entirely different matter!"

"After you've scrubbed all the floors in Hyrule…" Link raised a finger, "Then we can talk about mercy!"

Vaati then left as mysteriously as he came.

"Hooray!" Lydia grinned, "Link, you're my hero!"

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" Blink agreed.

"Aww, gee, thanks," Link blushed, "It was nothing."

"You bet your life it was," Navi huffed.

Everyone glared at Navi. Except Blink. And Link. And Lydia. Actually, no one glared at Navi.

"You know," Link pondered, "I bet this would be a better fanfic if it wasn't being written at 12:30 in the morning."

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" Blink said.

"But Link…" Lydia winked, "There are a lot of _things _one can do at 12:30 in the morning…"

Lydia nudged Link and purred in a suggestive, and over-exaggerated manner.

"Like drink Nestea Zero™?" Link asked.

Lydia slapped her forehead, "No."

"Blatant advertising for the win!" Link held a can up to the camera.

A rustling noise came from behind the bushes.

"Le gaspe!" Lydia gasped, "Oh, Link, my dear hero/wuvr for this fanfic…_save me!_"

"Isn't it just Cherry-sama?" Link asked.

"No," Navi said, "She in the bush to the left."

"Then…what's in _THAT ONE?_" Link said with more drama than necessary.

A boy sprang forth from the bushes, and revealed that his appearance. He looked exactly like Link, only he tried to cover up his skin more than usual.

"Ohhh…" Link smiled, "It's okay, Lydia! We have no reason to be afraid."

"Why not?"

"This is my other twin brother. He's a vampire," Link explained.

The Vampire Link sparkled.

"His name is Vanny Vainy Diddly Doo Da," Link added, "But we call him Vlink to make the readers even more confused."

"But…wait…can't you only have one twin?" Lydia asked.

"Oh, don't you know?" Link asked, "I was born twice!"

"Since that is the only explanation the author is going to give the audience," Lydia smiled, "that explains everything!"

When Lydia turned around, Link was seven years older, for the purposes of the plot, and nothing more. Link held a red rose with his teeth, and he randomly had no shirt.

"Lydia…" Link smirked, "I suddenly find you very attractive. Let's abandon all pre-established morals and do things that will raise this fanfic's rating to mature."

"Ohhhh… Link…" Lydia became turned on, "I cannot. For I am the representation of the writer's morals in this fanfic. Besides, there is no reason for you to be hitting on me in the first place…"

"That may be true…but still…" Link waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I cannot live a century, a decade, a fortnight, a day, an hour, a minute, a second, a millisecond, an instant, a moment without you!"

"Hey!" Navi spoke up, "But didn't you two just meet fifteen minutes ago?"

"Hush, Navi." Link said in a serious tone, "I can't savour her melodious breathing over the sound of your nattering."

"Ohhh… Link," Lydia almost swooned, "I love it when you use words I can't understand…"

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" Blink said in agreement.

Link picked Lydia up in his strong, burly, brawny, tough, physically powerful, sturdy, muscular, beefy, well-built, strapping, strong arms, and looked deep into her dewy oblong semispherical beguiling disproportionate extraterrestrial jocular languid multifarious uncharacteristic vigorous ocular organs.

"Here…" Link smirked, "Let us find a place where we can be…_alooooneeee_."

"But what about you're werewolf twin brother?" Lydia asked.

"My werewolf twin brother?" Link gasped.

"Yes," Lydia sniffled, "We were engaged, Wlink and I. And going any farther with you would trample all over his werewolfian hopes and dreams. But I will probably go through with doing dirty things with you because we already disregarded our morals."

"Oh, don't worry about him," Link whispered into Lydia's ear, "Besides, he got hit by a bus."

"Ohhhh… _Link…_" Lydia smiled cheesily.

"Ohhhh…_ Lydia…_" Link smiled cheesily back.

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" Blink cooed.

"I think the writer forgot about me," Vlink said.

"Quiet, Vlink," Link snapped.

Lydia and Link began to make out to cover over the fact that this fanfic lacked something…plot.

The authoress took matters into her own hands, and decided to fix this.

"Arf!" the dog barked.

Link stopped making out with Lydia, and dropped her. Lydia began to make out with herself to make up for it.

"What is this dog doing here?" Link blinked.

"It's not just _any_ dog, Link!" Navi sighed, "It's a Plott!"

The Plott began to wag its tail.

"Awww…" Vlink cooed, "It's so cute~!"

"But look how weak and fragile it is. It looks like it could fall apart at any minute!" Navi noted. "Maybe the owner didn't know how to raise it properly."

"Oh, nonsense, Navi," Vlink huffed, "I think it looks fine the way it is. Apart from it is a little too thin, and its ears are a bit tattered, it looks superb!"

The Plott began to whimper, and to shake slightly.

"I think it came here to bring us something important," Vlink noted, "After all, it looks like it was rushed."

"That's animal cruelty," Navi groaned, "That's it. I'm calling the S.P.C.A."

Since Lydia already had broken the fourth wall, Navi was able to pull out a cell phone from out of its remains.

"But there's nothing wrong with it!" Vlink protested.

"Get back to your sparkling," Navi retorted.

Vlink slumped off into a corner, and the S.P.C.A. came, and took the Plott away so it could no longer be neglected.

"Ahhh…" Navi smiled, "Now that Plott is going to go to a nice, loving place where it will be treated properly. Unlike how it was being treated in this fanfic."

"Don't you just love justice?" Link asked.

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" Blink said in agreement.

When Navi turned around, Link was seven years younger, and he had his shirt on again. What remained of the rose was a half devoured petal sticking out of Link's mouth. Lydia was still making out with herself.

"Wait…" Navi paused, "Was that rose symbolic for the romance in this fanfic."

"Dunno," Link shrugged. "All I know is that I thought it looked juicy and beautiful, but it was actually very sickening to eat, and had almost no flavour."

Navi sighed, "If only the Plott had been looked after better. Then we would be able to tell if symbolism for these things were preplanned or not."

Lydia sprang up, and wielded her fishing rod. She smacked Navi with it.

"GO AWAY, NABI! I H8 J00 SO MUCH!" Lydia screamed.

"Hey, don't I get a say in how I'm treated?" Navi hissed.

"No," Link said.

Lydia smacked Navi again with her fishing rod. A car from the S.P.C.A. drove up. A lady stepped out.

"I have bad news," the lady said, "It's about the Plott… It's dying."

Lydia's jaw dropped, "No! I love animals! And everything! Especially myself!"

"Yes, it is unfortunate," the lady sighed, "There is only one thing that can be done in order to save its life."

"What's that, doctor?" Link asked.

For the point of drama, Link was seven years older again, and his shirt was mysteriously missing once more. The lady chose to ignore this.

"Well," the lady paused, "In order to save the Plott, you must find a way to end this fanfic as soon as possible."

"Really, doctor?" Lydia sniffled, "I'll do anything to save animals! And everything! Especially myself!"

"But we haven't even gotten to the part with the boogers yet!" Link gasped, "The authoress's mind was too off track that she forgot to get to that part!"

"I hate to say it…but…" the lady shook her head, "The Plott is in your hands. And if you don't end this fanfic soon, the Plott will be beyond repair. Don't worry… We'll do everything in our power to keep it alive, but only you can end the fanfic."

With that, the lady hopped back in the car, and drove away…never to be mentioned again.

"What are we going to do?" Link asked, "We haven't even gotten to the part about the boogers, and the Plott is dying!"

Navi turned to our protagonist, "Lydia, I know you have undying hatred towards me, but you have to do something to save the Plott—"

Lydia smacked Navi with her fishing rod.

"DOS DIS COUNT?" Lydia bellowed.

"BESIDES THAT!" Navi yelled.

"Wait a minute!" Lydia exclaimed, "I've got an idea!"

Lydia pulled out a tissue from her magical pocket, and blew her nose. The tissue was almost dripping from all the snot, and began to fall apart. The authoress decided to make this sporadic idea symbolic. Lydia's purple boogers oozed all over the fanfi—I mean, tissue, and the tissue was so gross that nobody wanted to look at it.

"Eww!" Link cringed.

"I know! Isn't it disgusting?" Navi asked.

"No, I mean I'm randomly a kid again, without any explanation from the narrator!" Link looked repulsed. "Nasty!"

…And Link was a kid again.

"But look at it!" Navi said, "Those boogers have ruined the fanfi—I mean tissue!"

"And the Plott!" Link added.

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" Blink said.

"Without those purple boogers, the tissue would have been just fine on its own, and it may have gone on to be one of the greatest games in videogame history!" Navi gasped. "But now…all is lost…"

"Don't worry, everyone!" Lydia smailed, "I'm going to put this tissue into the garbage where it belongs, and nobody will ever have to look at it again."

Everyone cheered.

"But what about the fishing rod?" Navi asked, "Isn't it important? Isn't it what the backstory of your character revolved around?"

"Isn't it symbolic?" Link added.

"No, unfortunately not," Lydia sighed, "None of that is important now. It never was important to begin with. All I am and ever was, was a teenaged fantasy outlet. I had no character depth to begin with."

"NOOOOO!" Link bellowed, "Alas, there goes my one true love!"

Link was older again.

"Link, where does your shirt keep going?" Navi huffed.

Link shrugged, "I dunno. Maybe its symbolic for something too."

Uhhh… Yeah! Of…er…course it was! Ah ha ha ha… Nervous chuckling… ha ha ha…

Lydia threw the tissue in the wastebasket, and everyone was spared from its terrible sight.

"Well, now that we are done with the boogers," Navi said, "We can now end this fanfic, and thus saving the Plott."

Everyone cheered. Except Lydia. Who just smacked Navi with the fishing rod. In the meantime, Link got younger again.

"And now, I must be off," Lydia said.

"I'm not going to question this," Link smiled and waved.

"_Braaaiiiinnnnssss…_" Blink said.

"Farwell, Link, my eternal lover," Lydia said.

Link grew older once more, "Farwell, dear, sweet, sensitive, lovely, superly duperly, perfect Lydia. I will never forget you."

"Actually, you will, but whatever," Lydia shrugged, "Thanks for the make-out session!"

Link became young again, "Anytime!"

Thus Lydia ran off into the sunset. But she was devoured by Stalchildren as soon as the sun actually set. Link and Navi, to stay true to the Ocarina of Time universe, completely forgot about Lydia's existence, and everyone was happy, for the most part. Blink finally died, Vlink ran off to live in the Twilight universe, and Wlink was buried in the ground, and forgotten. And the Plott found a nice family and home, and lived happily ever after. While everyone forgot about the S.P.C.A. lady, thus leaving a loose end.

**THE END.**

* * *

><p>AN: Well, I hope you enjoyed this fanfic. If you haven't figured it out by now, this fanfic is basically a statement about everything you can do wrong for a Legend of Zelda fanfic. I know its been done before by Candy's fic of 'The Horror of 5 Min, Unoriginal Zelda Romance Fics '. However, I just got the urge to write this away. So, anyways, if you liked this fanfic, then feel free to check out my Wind Waker fic of 'Totally Bizarre', the last chapter of my old fic 'Navi the Kokiri', or check out Candy's 'The Horror of 5 Min, Unoriginal Zelda Romance Fics' fanfic. Have a nice day! :)


End file.
